I've been a bit in the dumps lately, dear reader.
Because at my last dental checkup it was ascertained I had a snippet of tooth decay!
"Do you drink lots of soda?," asked the dentist, a man of a fatherly age, as he peered into my mouth.
"Hardly at all," I replied, shoulders slumped.
What did it matter, I wanted to ask him. Exhibit A: I had a CAVITY. This was no trial, so why present a defense? I was already convicted, for crying out loud!
"Because it looks like the type of cavity that's caused by sugar," he pressed, sternly.
Instantly, I curled up into the fetal position.
SUGAR? Franchement, why didn't he say so in the first place?!
"Well, I do eat quite a bit of candy," I whispered, wondering what would happen if I started to cry.
I ended up getting quite the lecture. What is it about dentists that can make one feel like such a failure? I left promising to dramatically reduce my sugar intake while subsequently trying not to punch a hole in the ozone layer.
Things would have been completely grim had I not come home to find dear old Sherlock in a rare mood to acknowledge my existence.
Nothing warms my heart quite like those exacting, pinpoint pupils!
"Someone's a tad unkempt this evening," he remarked as he groomed his impeccable, raptorial forearm.
"I don't know how to tell you this, but the last thing I need right now is more criticism!," I said, my eyes darting wildly around the room in search of an errant gummi bear.
"There now, we all have our little peccadillos," he said, making a conciliatory gesture which I would have traded in that instant for a jelly bean.
"It just so happens I was doing a little painting this afternoon," I sputtered, patting my pocket in hopes of a forgotten, linty gumdrop.
"Physical labor?" He spoke in withering tones.
Apparently it's acceptable to disdain lifting a finger when one happens to be a genius!
At any rate, so here I am, dramatically cutting down on sugar. It's not so much the sugar, per se, that's bothering me.
It's the absence of candy.
What is life without candy, dear reader?
Dull, grey, and meaningless!
Even if you don't care for sweets, you should still buy them from time to time. You should still wander down the candy aisle and agonize over your choices. You should wring your hands and count and recount your change. You should skip out of the store, clutching the bag to yourself. If you don't want to eat your candies, put them in a pretty dish and when children come to visit, they'll treat it as a shrine.
In the end, I doubt this is the last candy's heard of me. After all, we do have the ozone layer to consider!
But I just wish that dentist would have given me a hug as I was about to leave his office.
And possibly offered me a prize.